Before this begins, I will give you one chance to leave.
This blog is about ... *gasp* condoms.
So there's your one chance to avoid being mentally raped by a subject so taboo to our young, sheltered ears. (Or eyes, in this case.)
Onto the prophylactic goodness...
Condoms are one of the few ...strange... things I'm entertained by. The amount of colors, flavors, and even shapes are so intriguing, considering they are such an easily disposable commodity. (Could you imagine ribbed Kleenex?)
So for the purpose of a) skeeving you out a little, and b) whining about just one more thing that's beyond my control, here's some things about condoms that keep me perplexed.
First victim; "ribbed" or "ultra ribbed". Right off the bat this makes no sense. Does a vagina suddenly need a knowledge of Braille to experience pleasure? What does it matter if a soft latex implement has a washboard-like segment? Condoms are soft and stretchy, therefore anything that the ribbing would attempt to make better seems like it would just smooth itself right out.
Then there's the ever-raved about Twisted Pleasure. Like a ribbed condom, this claims to bring you a texture that will knock your woman's boots across the room. But like anything else made of single ply latex, it feels about the same as a balloon.
Before I continue about the uselessness of textured condoms, I just need to get one more thing off my chest. Flavored condoms. We were all taught that "a condom is the best way whenever a penis comes in contact with our bodies". Apparently this also extends to oral sex. Speaking as a jackass who has not only bought, but also "sampled"** [NOT THAT WAY YOU MORONS] one, it's terrible. They taste a bit like a rubber glove coated in cheap lipgloss. Stickiness included.
Textures and flavors aside, there is also the question of these Ectacy condoms that tout themselves as being "the closest to bareback". Obviously these were not made for people who have already been spoiled by the experience of unprotected sex. Also, from what I've seen, they don't cling like a normal condom, and as a result make a noise a bit like a damp shopping bag.
These "Ecstasy" condoms also come in the much-advertised "fire & ice" variety. This concept scares me for the well-being of my ladybits like a woman for the well-being of her children. Once you've read the science behind this "space aged climax-tastic goo", it's really kind of off-putting. The "ice" sensation is caused by Lidocane, the very same blue goo that your dentist has probably pumped into your gums leading to the amusement of your peers. This works to provide a longer experience for both partners by numbing the areas. Pair this "lengthened experience" with those bag-like "ecstasy" condoms and you've got a recipe for a) broken condoms, b) condoms being lost inside your partner, or c) a loss of "give a crap" when both partners become exhausted from trying too hard. (Also, with all that chemical action going on, I can only imagine the UTI's and other grimy infections waiting to happen!)
And what about the brands that put out the "vibrating ring"? It's basically a vibrating jellybean inside of a rubber sphincter with about enough battery life to make it onto the guy. And they justify charging $7+ for these things! If you need something like this to pleasure your woman, there's something wrong with your style. Go back to the basics, and work from there.
Condoms were created with one purpose in mind. To keep people from reproducing. So why do we need to "fix" what works? Give a man a pack of ultrathins and he learns to pleasure his wife with his own tricks. Give a man a gimmick and his wife will grow tired of his pointless shenanigans.
Point being, don't fix what's not broken.
** The "sampling" was in fact a moment of immaturity at the age of sixteen, wherein my friends and I bought one from a Spencer's nearby and sat on a mall bench taking turns licking it.
25 December 2010
22 December 2010
"You're addicted"
It's funny how things get lost in translation from one generation to another.
Specifically, my grandmother to myself.
After spending an entire weekend away from the house, mostly for her own peace of mind, I was greeted with "You sound like you're drunk", "Don't expect to be allowed to go to sleep", "You're addicted to games, do you want to be a gamer for the rest of your life?" among other ill-conceived notions.
What I don't get is A) where these came from, and B) Why she thinks they'll bother me.
...Okay, so I'm really skirting around what I want to talk about.
My grandmother is the most insecure person I know.
She claims to be the epitome of "sure of herself" and that nothing can rock her. But in all reality, she's not only scared, but also just a child. She finds her centre in attacking the "weaknesses" of those around her, thinking that if she can bring everyone down to her level, she will rule the roost. Not so when it comes to me.
Lately she's taken to calling me a drug addict because whenever she gets on her drama llama and tries to ride my ass, I just laugh. I laugh at her when she calls me a whore, and when she says I'm doing drugs and that I play video games 24/7. Because I know she's full of shit.
The "game addiction" rant was born of my DoTA clone of choice, League of Legends. I frequently play this with my small cluster of online friends, building what could be seen as just a friendly game of capture the flag. Because the last four or five times she's decided to unceremoniously throw open my door and complain about what I'm doing I've been playing LoL.
This causes an obscenity-laced tirade, usually ending with me calling her a bitch, and her saying that first it's video games, then it's crystal meth*.
*Yes, that's a reference to high school. Ask me if you really want to know, I'd be more than happy to talk about all of the "isms" I learned in school.
Specifically, my grandmother to myself.
After spending an entire weekend away from the house, mostly for her own peace of mind, I was greeted with "You sound like you're drunk", "Don't expect to be allowed to go to sleep", "You're addicted to games, do you want to be a gamer for the rest of your life?" among other ill-conceived notions.
What I don't get is A) where these came from, and B) Why she thinks they'll bother me.
...Okay, so I'm really skirting around what I want to talk about.
My grandmother is the most insecure person I know.
She claims to be the epitome of "sure of herself" and that nothing can rock her. But in all reality, she's not only scared, but also just a child. She finds her centre in attacking the "weaknesses" of those around her, thinking that if she can bring everyone down to her level, she will rule the roost. Not so when it comes to me.
Lately she's taken to calling me a drug addict because whenever she gets on her drama llama and tries to ride my ass, I just laugh. I laugh at her when she calls me a whore, and when she says I'm doing drugs and that I play video games 24/7. Because I know she's full of shit.
The "game addiction" rant was born of my DoTA clone of choice, League of Legends. I frequently play this with my small cluster of online friends, building what could be seen as just a friendly game of capture the flag. Because the last four or five times she's decided to unceremoniously throw open my door and complain about what I'm doing I've been playing LoL.
This causes an obscenity-laced tirade, usually ending with me calling her a bitch, and her saying that first it's video games, then it's crystal meth*.
*Yes, that's a reference to high school. Ask me if you really want to know, I'd be more than happy to talk about all of the "isms" I learned in school.
18 December 2010
Xbox, Kill.
For anyone raised under a rock, let me just tell you that the Kinect, though masquerading as a "Wii knockoff", is actually quite amazing.
Having spent a little time playing it already, and waiting my turn as I type this, I'd give it a 6/10 as far as "Jesus Christ you need to own this". The games are fun, and the gameplay is unique to this peripheral. Whereas in the Wii you only really had the accelerometer controllers, the Kinect makes full use of your body. You control the actions on the screen based not only on your movements, but also your distance from the device itself.
This is particularly necessary in games like Space Pop, which although it takes some intensely unflattering photos of you, is quite fun.
Another awesome feature of the Kinect is the ability of it to recognize faces. While playing a game such as Kinect Adventures, having to switch places / users is simplified by the camera recognizing the face and body language of the person in front of it, logging you in or out without a single command.
The downside to Kinect's verbal controls is primarily the need to speak extra clearly. It almost completely depends on your ability to enunciate and speak with enough volume that the device understands you. It also responds to a uniquely small list of commands. Saying something like "Play" to play a disc should be sufficient, but because of the Kinect's vocabulary, saying "Play Disc" is necessary. This also means [rather unfortunately], that you can't ask the Xbox to kill, maim, or mutilate your friends, make you a sammich, or bow down to your greatness.
That being said, play with one. Your life will be so much more awesome.
Having spent a little time playing it already, and waiting my turn as I type this, I'd give it a 6/10 as far as "Jesus Christ you need to own this". The games are fun, and the gameplay is unique to this peripheral. Whereas in the Wii you only really had the accelerometer controllers, the Kinect makes full use of your body. You control the actions on the screen based not only on your movements, but also your distance from the device itself.
This is particularly necessary in games like Space Pop, which although it takes some intensely unflattering photos of you, is quite fun.
Another awesome feature of the Kinect is the ability of it to recognize faces. While playing a game such as Kinect Adventures, having to switch places / users is simplified by the camera recognizing the face and body language of the person in front of it, logging you in or out without a single command.
The downside to Kinect's verbal controls is primarily the need to speak extra clearly. It almost completely depends on your ability to enunciate and speak with enough volume that the device understands you. It also responds to a uniquely small list of commands. Saying something like "Play" to play a disc should be sufficient, but because of the Kinect's vocabulary, saying "Play Disc" is necessary. This also means [rather unfortunately], that you can't ask the Xbox to kill, maim, or mutilate your friends, make you a sammich, or bow down to your greatness.
That being said, play with one. Your life will be so much more awesome.
17 December 2010
Greetings Program.
Have you ever wanted to find out what would happen if Star Wars and The Matrix decided to produce a bastard child?
Well, all signs point to this.
The Tron movie was not only amazing, it was also a big leap into the "Tron-verse" that previous attempts were lacking.
And I must say, our dear "Thirteen" is looking spectacular.
WARNING: SPOILERS!
The movie centers around the original creator of the Tron universe and his attempts to bring himself back into the real world. Having been imprisoned in the Tron universe by one of his clones, Kevin Flynn is hiding "off the grid" with a refugee of a long-eradicated tribe of peoples developed within the Tron grid.
Twenty years after the disappearance of his father, Sam Flynn is visited by his surrogate father, who leads him back to the arcade his father owned. Sam finds his way into a basement lair where upon laying hands on his father's computer, he finds himself on the grid, immediately immersed in the Tron games. He soon finds out exactly what happened during the time of his father's disappearance, and fights for not only his own life, but the lives of as many people on the grid as he can.
Honestly, I'm too tired to spoil the movie completely for you.
All I have to say is please don't see it in 3D.
Despite the fact the movie was shot in 3D, it does not add to the effect. Nor would it take away, considering the movie was shot this way and meant to be enjoyed this way. The movie's 2D counterpart blew me away, so I couldn't see an extra two dollars changing much.
Well, all signs point to this.
The Tron movie was not only amazing, it was also a big leap into the "Tron-verse" that previous attempts were lacking.
And I must say, our dear "Thirteen" is looking spectacular.
WARNING: SPOILERS!
The movie centers around the original creator of the Tron universe and his attempts to bring himself back into the real world. Having been imprisoned in the Tron universe by one of his clones, Kevin Flynn is hiding "off the grid" with a refugee of a long-eradicated tribe of peoples developed within the Tron grid.
Twenty years after the disappearance of his father, Sam Flynn is visited by his surrogate father, who leads him back to the arcade his father owned. Sam finds his way into a basement lair where upon laying hands on his father's computer, he finds himself on the grid, immediately immersed in the Tron games. He soon finds out exactly what happened during the time of his father's disappearance, and fights for not only his own life, but the lives of as many people on the grid as he can.
Honestly, I'm too tired to spoil the movie completely for you.
All I have to say is please don't see it in 3D.
Despite the fact the movie was shot in 3D, it does not add to the effect. Nor would it take away, considering the movie was shot this way and meant to be enjoyed this way. The movie's 2D counterpart blew me away, so I couldn't see an extra two dollars changing much.
14 December 2010
The Mythical Everybody
Anyone with parents knows about the mythical everybody.
"Mom, I want this toy because everybody has it!"
"Do you think everybody talks to their parents that way?!"
"If everybody were jumping off a bridge would you do it too?"
So why is it that the focus of the "everybody" is allowed to change to everyone except the person being compared to them?
When you compared yourself to everybody, it was because everyone had something pretty, or something relevant to you. When your parents said it, it compared you to every drug-addled strumpet to cross the local causeway.
Why though?
Also, why do things that are small taboos as children so much larger as adults?
If as a twelve-year old I would've said I wanted a co-ed sleepover, my mother would've said "wait until your older", and stated something about it making me as a young lady look bad. At nineteen, I ask the same thing, and am met once more with "It makes you look bad".
As I said before, I don't exactly go around parading who I've spent the night with, let alone the depths of the night.
So why then does it matter where or with whom I've spent the night?
The mythical everybody is not waiting outside the person's home waiting to chastise me.
The mythical everybody is not tweeting and face-booking my whereabouts. So unless one of the three people knowing where I am and who I am with decides to throw me to the public like a Puritan adulterer, who's to know that I didn't spend the night in my own bed?
No one.
So take your social stigma, and eat it with a side of cool hwip.*
*Family Guy reference found here
"Mom, I want this toy because everybody has it!"
"Do you think everybody talks to their parents that way?!"
"If everybody were jumping off a bridge would you do it too?"
So why is it that the focus of the "everybody" is allowed to change to everyone except the person being compared to them?
When you compared yourself to everybody, it was because everyone had something pretty, or something relevant to you. When your parents said it, it compared you to every drug-addled strumpet to cross the local causeway.
Why though?
Also, why do things that are small taboos as children so much larger as adults?
If as a twelve-year old I would've said I wanted a co-ed sleepover, my mother would've said "wait until your older", and stated something about it making me as a young lady look bad. At nineteen, I ask the same thing, and am met once more with "It makes you look bad".
As I said before, I don't exactly go around parading who I've spent the night with, let alone the depths of the night.
So why then does it matter where or with whom I've spent the night?
The mythical everybody is not waiting outside the person's home waiting to chastise me.
The mythical everybody is not tweeting and face-booking my whereabouts. So unless one of the three people knowing where I am and who I am with decides to throw me to the public like a Puritan adulterer, who's to know that I didn't spend the night in my own bed?
No one.
So take your social stigma, and eat it with a side of cool hwip.*
*Family Guy reference found here
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