Ribbed for Her...Pleasure?

Before this begins, I will give you one chance to leave.
This blog is about ... *gasp* condoms.
So there's your one chance to avoid being mentally raped by a subject so taboo to our young, sheltered ears. (Or eyes, in this case.)

Onto the prophylactic goodness...

Condoms are one of the few ...strange... things I'm entertained by. The amount of colors, flavors, and even shapes are so intriguing, considering they are such an easily disposable commodity. (Could you imagine ribbed Kleenex?)

So for the purpose of a) skeeving you out a little, and b) whining about just one more thing that's beyond my control, here's some things about condoms that keep me perplexed.

First victim; "ribbed" or "ultra ribbed". Right off the bat this makes no sense. Does a vagina suddenly need a knowledge of Braille to experience pleasure? What does it matter if a soft latex implement has a washboard-like segment? Condoms are soft and stretchy, therefore anything that the ribbing would attempt to make better seems like it would just smooth itself right out.

Then there's the ever-raved about Twisted Pleasure. Like a ribbed condom, this claims to bring you a texture that will knock your woman's boots across the room. But like anything else made of single ply latex, it feels about the same as a balloon.

Before I continue about the uselessness of textured condoms, I just need to get one more thing off my chest. Flavored condoms. We were all taught that "a condom is the best way whenever a penis comes in contact with our bodies". Apparently this also extends to oral sex. Speaking as a jackass who has not only bought, but also "sampled"** [NOT THAT WAY YOU MORONS] one, it's terrible. They taste a bit like a rubber glove coated in cheap lipgloss. Stickiness included.

Textures and flavors aside, there is also the question of these Ectacy condoms that tout themselves as being "the closest to bareback". Obviously these were not made for people who have already been spoiled by the experience of unprotected sex. Also, from what I've seen, they don't cling like a normal condom, and as a result make a noise a bit like a damp shopping bag.

These "Ecstasy" condoms also come in the much-advertised "fire & ice" variety. This concept scares me for the well-being of my ladybits like a woman for the well-being of her children. Once you've read the science behind this "space aged climax-tastic goo", it's really kind of off-putting. The "ice" sensation is caused by Lidocane, the very same blue goo that your dentist has probably pumped into your gums leading to the amusement of your peers. This works to provide a longer experience for both partners by numbing the areas. Pair this "lengthened experience" with those bag-like "ecstasy" condoms and you've got a recipe for a) broken condoms, b) condoms being lost inside your partner, or c) a loss of "give a crap" when both partners become exhausted from trying too hard. (Also, with all that chemical action going on, I can only imagine the UTI's and other grimy infections waiting to happen!)

And what about the brands that put out the "vibrating ring"? It's basically a vibrating jellybean inside of a rubber sphincter with about enough battery life to make it onto the guy. And they justify charging $7+ for these things! If you need something like this to pleasure your woman, there's something wrong with your style. Go back to the basics, and work from there.

Condoms were created with one purpose in mind. To keep people from reproducing. So why do we need to "fix" what works? Give a man a pack of ultrathins and he learns to pleasure his wife with his own tricks. Give a man a gimmick and his wife will grow tired of his pointless shenanigans.

Point being, don't fix what's not broken.


** The "sampling" was in fact a moment of immaturity at the age of sixteen, wherein my friends and I bought one from a Spencer's nearby and sat on a mall bench taking turns licking it.