Let me start off by saying that although I am a certified nerd, I know little to nothing about 90% of these characters. Anything I say about them is based purely on things I have come up with "for the lulz" while playing and watching this game played.
1) Captain America:
In his spare time, Captain America runs around in his red suit with his hands over his eyes screaming "HURR DURR I AM DAREDEVIL". He also antagonizes Tony Stark for the obvious theft of his shield when making a particle accelerator. ( Iron Man 2 )
2) Deadpool:
As a stereotypical fanfiction writer, I have to make the obligatory "I AM SO MARRIED TO THIS CHARACTER" statement. Deadpool is my ideal man. Except when portrayed by this
douchebag . So anything I'd have to say about him here is dirty, raunchy, and involves my nono places behind closed doors. And yes, I make him keep the suit ON. <3
3) Doctor Doom:
Dr. Doom Became so sick of being mistaken for Skeletor that he retired to attempt to gain access to Castle Grayskull.
4) Dormammu:
Dormammu went on to provide energy to underdeveloped nations the world over.
5) Hulk:
When he's not being green and angry, the Edward Norton version of Hulk is splicing single frames of porn into the previous failed "Hulk" movie.
6) Iron Man:
Tony Stark returned to his mansion(s) and began to build a suit that could recycle his bodily waste into weapons, effectively creating a "poop chute".
7) Magneto:
The inspiration for this blog, Magneto seems the type to go home and be a fat, balding, middle-aged father. He's the Homer Simpson of super villains.
8) MODOK:
Following namecalling from his fellow characters, "Chode-Dok" went on to become the next Galactus, and was killed moments later by a rising trio of challengers.
9) Phoenix:
After she stopped being able to cash her checks for MvC, Phoenix became a circus performer, allowing a magician to immolate her and rebirthing herself moments after.
10) Sentinel:
Post-nerf, Sentinel became about as useful as Wolverine with his claws rusted shut. He ended up taking Tron Bonne up on her offer to be a Servbot.
11) She Hulk
She Hulk went on to axe-kick every man who attempted to employ "the shocker". She was charged with eradication of the frat-boy species and remains in hiding.
12)Shuma-Gorath:
Shuma-Gorath came to earth to mate with everyone, because it felt too alone in space. If you didn't get the reference just from that, I don't think I can help you. Just watch out for Shuma's "genticles"...
That's enough for tonight, this has gone on long enough. Tomorrow I'll finish up the Marvel list, and delve into the Capcom side too. (:
04 February 2011
Overthinking Ruins Everything.
It's been a long time coming, but here's the undoing of myself and a previous significant other spelled out:
1) "I love the stability you provide" does NOT mean that someone is clinging to you because you are the only "stable" thing in their life. It merely means that they like the fact that you are a generally mild person who does not flare up like herpes after a frat party. It doesn't mean that I need you in any semblance of the word, nor does it mean I myself am unstable.
2) Just because I love being around your family more than my own doesn't mean I'm searching for a place to belong, it just means that I'm glad that they don't dislike me. The part where I don't get along with my family? Maybe you should get your facts straight about what led to that before you get all up in arms over something that you hardly know anything about.
3) I "don't take enough things seriously". Sure, but why should I? If I took everything seriously, this ever-changing wonder you see before you would lose one of the many colors of its wings. Don't ask me to "grow up" and then think I'll be interesting.
4) You don't and will probably never understand the depths of "growing up too fast" that I've gone through. You may think you tried to understand it, and that's cool and all, but it's no substitute for seeing what I've seen, and feeling what I've felt.
5) You'll call my feelings childish, borderline petulant. Obviously at your advanced age of +/-23, you've forgotten what an eighteen-year old senior in high school is like. Or if you can remember, you didn't have the same adolescence I did. That doesn't mean mine is valued any less or any more than yours.
6)You never had to "fight my battles for me", but a little chivalry would've been appreciated. If another man, no matter how close to you he may be, insults your lady partner, it is your obligation to correct the man, not encourage him by calling her "some girl".
I know this seems like just a tangent by a sixteen-year old, but hear me out kind readers. This is the result of thinking long and hard about why things just didn't work, and why it felt so good to lose in the end. Taking nothing but a shard of my self worth, I kept walking, and I realized that the stagnation wasn't just me OR just him. It was us.
Sometimes people are given a gift and complicate it more than they need to. This was a clear case. We met as coworkers. We chose to push it, and it exploded.
That's all there is to it. And the truth is, I'm not sorry to see it go. There was too much ache in the end.
1) "I love the stability you provide" does NOT mean that someone is clinging to you because you are the only "stable" thing in their life. It merely means that they like the fact that you are a generally mild person who does not flare up like herpes after a frat party. It doesn't mean that I need you in any semblance of the word, nor does it mean I myself am unstable.
2) Just because I love being around your family more than my own doesn't mean I'm searching for a place to belong, it just means that I'm glad that they don't dislike me. The part where I don't get along with my family? Maybe you should get your facts straight about what led to that before you get all up in arms over something that you hardly know anything about.
3) I "don't take enough things seriously". Sure, but why should I? If I took everything seriously, this ever-changing wonder you see before you would lose one of the many colors of its wings. Don't ask me to "grow up" and then think I'll be interesting.
4) You don't and will probably never understand the depths of "growing up too fast" that I've gone through. You may think you tried to understand it, and that's cool and all, but it's no substitute for seeing what I've seen, and feeling what I've felt.
5) You'll call my feelings childish, borderline petulant. Obviously at your advanced age of +/-23, you've forgotten what an eighteen-year old senior in high school is like. Or if you can remember, you didn't have the same adolescence I did. That doesn't mean mine is valued any less or any more than yours.
6)You never had to "fight my battles for me", but a little chivalry would've been appreciated. If another man, no matter how close to you he may be, insults your lady partner, it is your obligation to correct the man, not encourage him by calling her "some girl".
I know this seems like just a tangent by a sixteen-year old, but hear me out kind readers. This is the result of thinking long and hard about why things just didn't work, and why it felt so good to lose in the end. Taking nothing but a shard of my self worth, I kept walking, and I realized that the stagnation wasn't just me OR just him. It was us.
Sometimes people are given a gift and complicate it more than they need to. This was a clear case. We met as coworkers. We chose to push it, and it exploded.
That's all there is to it. And the truth is, I'm not sorry to see it go. There was too much ache in the end.
25 January 2011
The Hardest Part of College is Ending Your Fear of Cliques.
I've been involved in the college scene for quite a while now, and there's still one thing I've had trouble getting through.
Cliques are only there when you make them.
Looking at the people you went to high school with day after day, you may want to think that they're still the people that wouldn't sit with you at lunch, or the ones who knocked your books down the stairs two minutes after the bell rang.
But in all reality, once we're stripped of our "crews", we're nothing but scared hamsters searching for a cardboard tube. The only people that retain their "douchebag" attitudes from high school are usually the ones that go onto community college surrounded by their minions. They even sit together in the cafe. But these people are of no consequence.
Direct yourself instead to the scared hamsters mentioned above. These are the people you'll meet most often. They could be your parents' age, they could be younger than you, they could even be people from around your own town. The worst you can do is fear them. They are not here to make fun of you, they are here to learn just like you.
Cliques are only there when you make them.
Looking at the people you went to high school with day after day, you may want to think that they're still the people that wouldn't sit with you at lunch, or the ones who knocked your books down the stairs two minutes after the bell rang.
But in all reality, once we're stripped of our "crews", we're nothing but scared hamsters searching for a cardboard tube. The only people that retain their "douchebag" attitudes from high school are usually the ones that go onto community college surrounded by their minions. They even sit together in the cafe. But these people are of no consequence.
Direct yourself instead to the scared hamsters mentioned above. These are the people you'll meet most often. They could be your parents' age, they could be younger than you, they could even be people from around your own town. The worst you can do is fear them. They are not here to make fun of you, they are here to learn just like you.
25 December 2010
Ribbed for Her...Pleasure?
Before this begins, I will give you one chance to leave.
This blog is about ... *gasp* condoms.
So there's your one chance to avoid being mentally raped by a subject so taboo to our young, sheltered ears. (Or eyes, in this case.)
Onto the prophylactic goodness...
Condoms are one of the few ...strange... things I'm entertained by. The amount of colors, flavors, and even shapes are so intriguing, considering they are such an easily disposable commodity. (Could you imagine ribbed Kleenex?)
So for the purpose of a) skeeving you out a little, and b) whining about just one more thing that's beyond my control, here's some things about condoms that keep me perplexed.
First victim; "ribbed" or "ultra ribbed". Right off the bat this makes no sense. Does a vagina suddenly need a knowledge of Braille to experience pleasure? What does it matter if a soft latex implement has a washboard-like segment? Condoms are soft and stretchy, therefore anything that the ribbing would attempt to make better seems like it would just smooth itself right out.
Then there's the ever-raved about Twisted Pleasure. Like a ribbed condom, this claims to bring you a texture that will knock your woman's boots across the room. But like anything else made of single ply latex, it feels about the same as a balloon.
Before I continue about the uselessness of textured condoms, I just need to get one more thing off my chest. Flavored condoms. We were all taught that "a condom is the best way whenever a penis comes in contact with our bodies". Apparently this also extends to oral sex. Speaking as a jackass who has not only bought, but also "sampled"** [NOT THAT WAY YOU MORONS] one, it's terrible. They taste a bit like a rubber glove coated in cheap lipgloss. Stickiness included.
Textures and flavors aside, there is also the question of these Ectacy condoms that tout themselves as being "the closest to bareback". Obviously these were not made for people who have already been spoiled by the experience of unprotected sex. Also, from what I've seen, they don't cling like a normal condom, and as a result make a noise a bit like a damp shopping bag.
These "Ecstasy" condoms also come in the much-advertised "fire & ice" variety. This concept scares me for the well-being of my ladybits like a woman for the well-being of her children. Once you've read the science behind this "space aged climax-tastic goo", it's really kind of off-putting. The "ice" sensation is caused by Lidocane, the very same blue goo that your dentist has probably pumped into your gums leading to the amusement of your peers. This works to provide a longer experience for both partners by numbing the areas. Pair this "lengthened experience" with those bag-like "ecstasy" condoms and you've got a recipe for a) broken condoms, b) condoms being lost inside your partner, or c) a loss of "give a crap" when both partners become exhausted from trying too hard. (Also, with all that chemical action going on, I can only imagine the UTI's and other grimy infections waiting to happen!)
And what about the brands that put out the "vibrating ring"? It's basically a vibrating jellybean inside of a rubber sphincter with about enough battery life to make it onto the guy. And they justify charging $7+ for these things! If you need something like this to pleasure your woman, there's something wrong with your style. Go back to the basics, and work from there.
Condoms were created with one purpose in mind. To keep people from reproducing. So why do we need to "fix" what works? Give a man a pack of ultrathins and he learns to pleasure his wife with his own tricks. Give a man a gimmick and his wife will grow tired of his pointless shenanigans.
Point being, don't fix what's not broken.
** The "sampling" was in fact a moment of immaturity at the age of sixteen, wherein my friends and I bought one from a Spencer's nearby and sat on a mall bench taking turns licking it.
This blog is about ... *gasp* condoms.
So there's your one chance to avoid being mentally raped by a subject so taboo to our young, sheltered ears. (Or eyes, in this case.)
Onto the prophylactic goodness...
Condoms are one of the few ...strange... things I'm entertained by. The amount of colors, flavors, and even shapes are so intriguing, considering they are such an easily disposable commodity. (Could you imagine ribbed Kleenex?)
So for the purpose of a) skeeving you out a little, and b) whining about just one more thing that's beyond my control, here's some things about condoms that keep me perplexed.
First victim; "ribbed" or "ultra ribbed". Right off the bat this makes no sense. Does a vagina suddenly need a knowledge of Braille to experience pleasure? What does it matter if a soft latex implement has a washboard-like segment? Condoms are soft and stretchy, therefore anything that the ribbing would attempt to make better seems like it would just smooth itself right out.
Then there's the ever-raved about Twisted Pleasure. Like a ribbed condom, this claims to bring you a texture that will knock your woman's boots across the room. But like anything else made of single ply latex, it feels about the same as a balloon.
Before I continue about the uselessness of textured condoms, I just need to get one more thing off my chest. Flavored condoms. We were all taught that "a condom is the best way whenever a penis comes in contact with our bodies". Apparently this also extends to oral sex. Speaking as a jackass who has not only bought, but also "sampled"** [NOT THAT WAY YOU MORONS] one, it's terrible. They taste a bit like a rubber glove coated in cheap lipgloss. Stickiness included.
Textures and flavors aside, there is also the question of these Ectacy condoms that tout themselves as being "the closest to bareback". Obviously these were not made for people who have already been spoiled by the experience of unprotected sex. Also, from what I've seen, they don't cling like a normal condom, and as a result make a noise a bit like a damp shopping bag.
These "Ecstasy" condoms also come in the much-advertised "fire & ice" variety. This concept scares me for the well-being of my ladybits like a woman for the well-being of her children. Once you've read the science behind this "space aged climax-tastic goo", it's really kind of off-putting. The "ice" sensation is caused by Lidocane, the very same blue goo that your dentist has probably pumped into your gums leading to the amusement of your peers. This works to provide a longer experience for both partners by numbing the areas. Pair this "lengthened experience" with those bag-like "ecstasy" condoms and you've got a recipe for a) broken condoms, b) condoms being lost inside your partner, or c) a loss of "give a crap" when both partners become exhausted from trying too hard. (Also, with all that chemical action going on, I can only imagine the UTI's and other grimy infections waiting to happen!)
And what about the brands that put out the "vibrating ring"? It's basically a vibrating jellybean inside of a rubber sphincter with about enough battery life to make it onto the guy. And they justify charging $7+ for these things! If you need something like this to pleasure your woman, there's something wrong with your style. Go back to the basics, and work from there.
Condoms were created with one purpose in mind. To keep people from reproducing. So why do we need to "fix" what works? Give a man a pack of ultrathins and he learns to pleasure his wife with his own tricks. Give a man a gimmick and his wife will grow tired of his pointless shenanigans.
Point being, don't fix what's not broken.
** The "sampling" was in fact a moment of immaturity at the age of sixteen, wherein my friends and I bought one from a Spencer's nearby and sat on a mall bench taking turns licking it.
22 December 2010
"You're addicted"
It's funny how things get lost in translation from one generation to another.
Specifically, my grandmother to myself.
After spending an entire weekend away from the house, mostly for her own peace of mind, I was greeted with "You sound like you're drunk", "Don't expect to be allowed to go to sleep", "You're addicted to games, do you want to be a gamer for the rest of your life?" among other ill-conceived notions.
What I don't get is A) where these came from, and B) Why she thinks they'll bother me.
...Okay, so I'm really skirting around what I want to talk about.
My grandmother is the most insecure person I know.
She claims to be the epitome of "sure of herself" and that nothing can rock her. But in all reality, she's not only scared, but also just a child. She finds her centre in attacking the "weaknesses" of those around her, thinking that if she can bring everyone down to her level, she will rule the roost. Not so when it comes to me.
Lately she's taken to calling me a drug addict because whenever she gets on her drama llama and tries to ride my ass, I just laugh. I laugh at her when she calls me a whore, and when she says I'm doing drugs and that I play video games 24/7. Because I know she's full of shit.
The "game addiction" rant was born of my DoTA clone of choice, League of Legends. I frequently play this with my small cluster of online friends, building what could be seen as just a friendly game of capture the flag. Because the last four or five times she's decided to unceremoniously throw open my door and complain about what I'm doing I've been playing LoL.
This causes an obscenity-laced tirade, usually ending with me calling her a bitch, and her saying that first it's video games, then it's crystal meth*.
*Yes, that's a reference to high school. Ask me if you really want to know, I'd be more than happy to talk about all of the "isms" I learned in school.
Specifically, my grandmother to myself.
After spending an entire weekend away from the house, mostly for her own peace of mind, I was greeted with "You sound like you're drunk", "Don't expect to be allowed to go to sleep", "You're addicted to games, do you want to be a gamer for the rest of your life?" among other ill-conceived notions.
What I don't get is A) where these came from, and B) Why she thinks they'll bother me.
...Okay, so I'm really skirting around what I want to talk about.
My grandmother is the most insecure person I know.
She claims to be the epitome of "sure of herself" and that nothing can rock her. But in all reality, she's not only scared, but also just a child. She finds her centre in attacking the "weaknesses" of those around her, thinking that if she can bring everyone down to her level, she will rule the roost. Not so when it comes to me.
Lately she's taken to calling me a drug addict because whenever she gets on her drama llama and tries to ride my ass, I just laugh. I laugh at her when she calls me a whore, and when she says I'm doing drugs and that I play video games 24/7. Because I know she's full of shit.
The "game addiction" rant was born of my DoTA clone of choice, League of Legends. I frequently play this with my small cluster of online friends, building what could be seen as just a friendly game of capture the flag. Because the last four or five times she's decided to unceremoniously throw open my door and complain about what I'm doing I've been playing LoL.
This causes an obscenity-laced tirade, usually ending with me calling her a bitch, and her saying that first it's video games, then it's crystal meth*.
*Yes, that's a reference to high school. Ask me if you really want to know, I'd be more than happy to talk about all of the "isms" I learned in school.
18 December 2010
Xbox, Kill.
For anyone raised under a rock, let me just tell you that the Kinect, though masquerading as a "Wii knockoff", is actually quite amazing.
Having spent a little time playing it already, and waiting my turn as I type this, I'd give it a 6/10 as far as "Jesus Christ you need to own this". The games are fun, and the gameplay is unique to this peripheral. Whereas in the Wii you only really had the accelerometer controllers, the Kinect makes full use of your body. You control the actions on the screen based not only on your movements, but also your distance from the device itself.
This is particularly necessary in games like Space Pop, which although it takes some intensely unflattering photos of you, is quite fun.
Another awesome feature of the Kinect is the ability of it to recognize faces. While playing a game such as Kinect Adventures, having to switch places / users is simplified by the camera recognizing the face and body language of the person in front of it, logging you in or out without a single command.
The downside to Kinect's verbal controls is primarily the need to speak extra clearly. It almost completely depends on your ability to enunciate and speak with enough volume that the device understands you. It also responds to a uniquely small list of commands. Saying something like "Play" to play a disc should be sufficient, but because of the Kinect's vocabulary, saying "Play Disc" is necessary. This also means [rather unfortunately], that you can't ask the Xbox to kill, maim, or mutilate your friends, make you a sammich, or bow down to your greatness.
That being said, play with one. Your life will be so much more awesome.
Having spent a little time playing it already, and waiting my turn as I type this, I'd give it a 6/10 as far as "Jesus Christ you need to own this". The games are fun, and the gameplay is unique to this peripheral. Whereas in the Wii you only really had the accelerometer controllers, the Kinect makes full use of your body. You control the actions on the screen based not only on your movements, but also your distance from the device itself.
This is particularly necessary in games like Space Pop, which although it takes some intensely unflattering photos of you, is quite fun.
Another awesome feature of the Kinect is the ability of it to recognize faces. While playing a game such as Kinect Adventures, having to switch places / users is simplified by the camera recognizing the face and body language of the person in front of it, logging you in or out without a single command.
The downside to Kinect's verbal controls is primarily the need to speak extra clearly. It almost completely depends on your ability to enunciate and speak with enough volume that the device understands you. It also responds to a uniquely small list of commands. Saying something like "Play" to play a disc should be sufficient, but because of the Kinect's vocabulary, saying "Play Disc" is necessary. This also means [rather unfortunately], that you can't ask the Xbox to kill, maim, or mutilate your friends, make you a sammich, or bow down to your greatness.
That being said, play with one. Your life will be so much more awesome.
17 December 2010
Greetings Program.
Have you ever wanted to find out what would happen if Star Wars and The Matrix decided to produce a bastard child?
Well, all signs point to this.
The Tron movie was not only amazing, it was also a big leap into the "Tron-verse" that previous attempts were lacking.
And I must say, our dear "Thirteen" is looking spectacular.
WARNING: SPOILERS!
The movie centers around the original creator of the Tron universe and his attempts to bring himself back into the real world. Having been imprisoned in the Tron universe by one of his clones, Kevin Flynn is hiding "off the grid" with a refugee of a long-eradicated tribe of peoples developed within the Tron grid.
Twenty years after the disappearance of his father, Sam Flynn is visited by his surrogate father, who leads him back to the arcade his father owned. Sam finds his way into a basement lair where upon laying hands on his father's computer, he finds himself on the grid, immediately immersed in the Tron games. He soon finds out exactly what happened during the time of his father's disappearance, and fights for not only his own life, but the lives of as many people on the grid as he can.
Honestly, I'm too tired to spoil the movie completely for you.
All I have to say is please don't see it in 3D.
Despite the fact the movie was shot in 3D, it does not add to the effect. Nor would it take away, considering the movie was shot this way and meant to be enjoyed this way. The movie's 2D counterpart blew me away, so I couldn't see an extra two dollars changing much.
Well, all signs point to this.
The Tron movie was not only amazing, it was also a big leap into the "Tron-verse" that previous attempts were lacking.
And I must say, our dear "Thirteen" is looking spectacular.
WARNING: SPOILERS!
The movie centers around the original creator of the Tron universe and his attempts to bring himself back into the real world. Having been imprisoned in the Tron universe by one of his clones, Kevin Flynn is hiding "off the grid" with a refugee of a long-eradicated tribe of peoples developed within the Tron grid.
Twenty years after the disappearance of his father, Sam Flynn is visited by his surrogate father, who leads him back to the arcade his father owned. Sam finds his way into a basement lair where upon laying hands on his father's computer, he finds himself on the grid, immediately immersed in the Tron games. He soon finds out exactly what happened during the time of his father's disappearance, and fights for not only his own life, but the lives of as many people on the grid as he can.
Honestly, I'm too tired to spoil the movie completely for you.
All I have to say is please don't see it in 3D.
Despite the fact the movie was shot in 3D, it does not add to the effect. Nor would it take away, considering the movie was shot this way and meant to be enjoyed this way. The movie's 2D counterpart blew me away, so I couldn't see an extra two dollars changing much.
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